wow, it's been nearly two months since I last posted...and they have flown by! So my little guy came a little early, just a week and few days, and was born on May 25th. Life will never be the same! It's been so fun but also exhausting...emotionally, spiritually, mentally and with little more than a couple hours of sleep at a time, physically! First of all, I'm in awe of God's grace and blessing on my life. We have been so blessed by our new baby, Andrew, and all our family and friends. So many great people in our lives! Friends and family have definitely made this first month so much easier! I've been overwhelmed with gratitude!
So...last post I said something about God teaching me to trust him and his timing through my pregnancy...wow, He was just scratching the surface. We ended up not moving into that tiny apartment; instead we just recently moved into an apartment that is actually bigger than our house...crazy. Praise God we didn't move that week cause I probably would have died. It turned out that my blood pressure was high and I was developing preeclampsia. I ended up on bedrest and when that didn't help, doc said let's induce...He didn't have to, cause God is sovereign and had a better plan...I went into labor on my own, water broke naturally and everything! It was still a little different than I had planned and hoped for, but hey, Andrew came out screaming and healthy, which is all I really cared about. He was tiny! only 5 lbs. 9 oz. So that made everything a little more terrifying for me...but back to trusting God. I really thought He was teaching me to trust Him through my pregnancy and for some reason, thought after Andrew was here, things would get better. I wouldn't worry so much cause he'd be here in front of me...WOW was I wrong. What was I thinking...oh I know, that I have some control. That's right...I figured once he's out, I'll know he's okay and I'll know what to do. So, again, I'm not in control. God is. He is sovereign and I am so stubborn. I've been reading this book about the Israelites and the Promised Land and feel like I relate a lot more to those Israelites than I care to admit. When reading through the passage of Scripture it's easy to get so frustrated with them. God just parted the Red Sea and swallowed up your enemies but now you're complaining that you don't have water to drink? Why were they not expecting God to deliver...I don't know, turn a tree into a waterfall or something...I think, how could you doubt so quickly after God just worked an incredible miracle before your own eyes...and this is where the comparison is so frightening. As I sit here and condemn them for their lack of faith, I am no different. Why do I constantly forget the times God has answered prayer, worked miracles before my own eyes and shown Himself faithful over and over? I'm now frustrated with myself. But I know God is not; no matter how stubborn I am and no matter how long it takes me to learn a simple lesson, His love is unfailing and He continues to be faithful and for this, I am overwhelming grateful.
So now I am constantly asking for His grace and just a tiny bit of wisdom and discernment for raising this kid. Everyone said your motherly instinct will "kick in," and I always said, "what if mine doesn't...?" I think my question was legitimate cause I'm still waiting to "just know" what to do. Most of the time, I'm at a loss. He's a mystery. I've been unbelievably blessed that Andrew doesn't cry much and he likes to eat and sleep. I'm sure it could be worse, but I'm still concerned way too much. I feel like using the word "concerned" is better and different than worry....this way, it's not a sin to be concerned, right?
Anyway, God is showing Himself faithful and Andrew is a growing, healthy boy. He's gaining weight like crazy! I guess that's why he started out so small...God knew this boy was going to love to eat! He's probably put on close to 4 lbs. since he left the hospital, FIVE weeks ago! I can't believe he's already over a month old. It did fly by, like EVERYONE said. Literally, everyone. Now I know why they say it...it's true. A small part of me doesn't want him to grow up (already!) but at the same, I can't wait until he starts laughing and talking and walking! There really isn't anything like being a mother...I'm loving it. Despite the exhaustion, it's such a blessing I don't want to ever take for granted. I'd take even less sleep and more worry...he's so worth it!
My husband has transformed into an even more amazing man. I didn't think it was possible but it's happening. He's stepped into the "daddy" role like a natural. He's so good with Andrew and it's adorable. He makes up songs for him and changes lots of poopy diapers for me...Cannot imagine what I'd do without him! Kids definitely change you...I'm still hoping to become a better person for it, but the jury is still out on that one. Maybe if I just learn to let God be God and stop trying to control things I cannot...oh and also stop being so concerned....and...yeah, the list is too long. Thank God for his grace and mercy on me.